Jack Bauer, Chef Ramsey To Team Up

As Fox watches the ratings climb for Hell's Kitchen, they've realized they found a solution for their other Monday night show: 24.

Penning the new season of 24 has proven tough for the writers who've already scrapped plot lines involving Africa and Jack working freelance.

The new solution? Teaming Jack Bauer and Gordon Ramsey for a "hybrid" show, Hell's 24 Hour Kitchen.

The show will combine the reality elements of Hell's Kitchen with the real time elements of 24, with contestants cooking meals for fictional characters who either talk in whispers or shouts.

"And there will be moles," said producer and director John Cassar. "Oh, sweet mercy, will there be moles."

Producer Joel Surnow also expressed optimism for the show's new direction. "We've learned that people care about food just as much as they care about terrorism. We'll have Ramsey cussing them out on this side, Jack shooting them in the thigh on that side, Audrey wandering around aimlessly muttering about the Chinese--that's TV gold right there."

"The hardest part is coming up with new ways to off the eliminated contestants," said Surnow. "Bullets, poison gas, stabbing, strangulation--those are the obvious ones, but where do you go from there? Bow and arrow, maybe?

"I was thinking deadly animals, but we brought in a cougar this one time, and man, we never heard the end of it."

America Avoids Roads As Teen Girls Seek Jail

Following a nationwide siege as Americans have stayed off the road to avoid masses of accidents and unsafe drivers, officials have finally determined the cause: Teen girls seeking to go to jail.

"The perpetrators of these crimes are not organized, but they're united in purpose," said Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff. "Now that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan have made jail trendy, everybody wants in."

Drivers have been avoiding the roads for days as cars have been lurching around the roads and highways, driven by impaired young ladies hoping to score some hours in the pen.

"We simply don't have the facilities to house them all," said Chertoff. "We're thinking interment camps, maybe? Set 'em up in stadiums until this whole fad blows over and they move on to somthing else."

"Hopefully one that won't cost the taxpayers' dollars."

Man Seeks Legal Separation From Olive Garden Family

OREM, UT--Local resident Scott Collins has sought legal emancipation from the Olive Garden restaurant.

In a statement filed by his attorney, Collins desires to have, "visitation rights, but no legal or familial connections" with the restaurant chain.

Olive Garden, however, says it's not that simple. "We're aware of Mr. Collins request," said a spokesman, "and he simply doesn't understand. When he's here, he's family.

"And he really should have some of the salad. It's there, it's in the big bowl--there's no reason for him not to have a little. What, is he on a diet? It's salad."

If this suit is successful, Collins will also seek to be able to visit IHOP when he's not really feeling all that hungry and then leave in whatever mood he wants.

Marmaduke, Fred Basset Fans Disappointed In Comic-Con

Comic readers have expressed extreme displeasure with this weekend's Comic Con, voicing deep disappointment at the panels and selections featured.

One fan pointed at a giant statue of Spiderman. "That's where Dilbert should be," he said. "I mean, Scott Adams has like four gazillion times the distribution the daily Spiderman comic strip has."

They also expressed disappointment over the guests.

"I read the comics page every day, and the list of names here I recognize would be shorter than the inseam of the King from the Wizard of Id," said one fan. "I can't turn a corner without tripping over some no-name like Frank Miller or Grant Morrison. Seriously, I mean, Joss Who-den? Where's Allison Barrows? Where's Russell Myers?

"And the costumes these female fans are wearing!" he continued. "Where's Miss Buxley? Where's Boopsie? Where's Honi? For Dagwood's sake, where's Blondie?

"I don't remember seeing Princess Leia hanging out with Cathy and Mary Worth."

Others feel the focus on superheroes is a way to avoid the real controversies. "I wanted to sound off about the issues affecting comics in our day," said Tom Waters. "I mean seriously, where else can I talk about the decline in the subtlety of the artwork in Fred Basset since Micheal Martin took over for Alex Graham? Or who lost their mind faster--Charles Schultz or Lynn Johnson?"

"I was really hoping we'd finally get our announcement of a big budget Hagar the Horrible movie," said another fan. "After pirates, vikings would be the next logical step."

In the way of advice for the ComicCon committee next year, one fan had this to say: "I think next year, they shouldn't try to take things so far out of the box. Or the three, sequential panels. Or that one big Family Circle."

Banks Announce "Just Send Us Your Paycheck" Mortgages

Following the success of such financial products as "Adjustable Rate Mortgages" and "Interest Only Mortgages" and "Reverse Interest Mortgages," the banking community was pleased to announce "Just Send Us Your Paycheck Mortgages."

"The way it works is simple," said Bank of America CEO Kenneth D. Lewis. "You tell us what house you want and how much you make. We take your paycheck. When you lose your job, we take your house back."

Coldwell Banker CEO Jim Gillespie added, "I want to make a slight clarification. It was never really your house."

"We sort of see this as a simplified version of what's been happening for the last few years," said Lewis. "It eliminates a lot of the headaches, and doesn't confuse anybody with all that 'APR' and 'interest' foolishness."

If this loan product is successful, cell phone companies plan to introduce "Whenever We Feel Like Charging Them To You Minutes" in the 1st quarter of 2008.

Comedy Clubs Go Semi-Pro With Fighting

In order to exploit the recent in-club bouts between comics, clubs have decided to begin exploiting the matches for publicity.

Three of the largest comedy club chains have hired NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to oversee the melee, saying he brings just the right blend of, "Pretending to advocate restraint while pushing for no-holds-barred brawls."

The recent bouts, which began with Jon Lovitz decking Andy Dick, are not without their detractors.

"I think they're bringing in ringers," said Ray Romano. "I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin's name on a bill in Albuquerque. How do they think he's going to do comedy? Will he stand there and go, 'What? What?'"

Edwards Moves Daylight Savings Time To Get Potter Book Early

Senator John Edwards has introduced a bill to move up Daylight Savings Time in a bid to get the new Harry Potter book sooner.

In a move reminiscent of his attempts to get WalMart to allow him to cut in line for a PlayStation 3, Edwards will be moving up daylight savings time by another six and a half hours, allowing him to pick up the book on his way home from work.

Staffers who wish to remain anonymous have been open about the reasons for the bill, although Edwards denies this is the reason for the change.

"It's an energy issue," said the Senator. "All these businesses having to keep all these lights on that late at night for all these Harry Potter fans--the showdown with Voldemort pales beside the coming showdown with global warming."

Next Harry Potter Movie to be Musical

Based on the success of Disney's High School Musical and the upcoming High School Musical 2, producers have decided to go the musical route with the latest installment of the Harry Potter movie franchise.

"Singing teenagers are really hot right now," said producer Chris Columbus. "And when you mix that kind of hot with Harry Potter hot, you got explosive, baby."

The film, now titled Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: The Musical (And He's Still In High School!) will feature songs that are, in the words of one writer, "Not as completely derivative as you might think."

Some lyrics from the film have made their way to our staff, and we're happy to leak these spoilers onto the web here. Harry Potter spoiler warning ahead!

Quidditch will feature prominently in the new film, despite the lack of the sport in the Half-Blood Prince book. In this excerpt, Harry and friends psyche themselves up for a quidditch showdown:

Coach said to fake right
And break left
Watch out for the beaters
And keep an eye on the snitch

Gotta run the give and go
And take the balls to the holes
But don't be afraid
To take a bludger to the face

Just keep ya head in the game
Just keep ya head in the game

Here's an excerpt from another song, sung by Harry in the final confrontation with Snape:

It's hard to believe
Dumbledore couldn't see
That you were just a lying cheater

Thought you were his friend
But now that he's dead
We all know you're a Death Eater

I know you liked my mother
But you oughta know

She never knew someone as duplicitous as you
No one like you

Doo Doo DooDoo
Doo Doo DooDoo

Carl Kasell Snooping On Listeners' Home Answering Machines

In a shocking development for public radio network NPR, announcer Carl Kasell has been discovered to have been snooping on the phone messages of past winners of his radio game show.

The show, called "Wait Wait . . . Don't Tell Me!", has for years given winners of it's weekly news quiz the prize of personalized home answering machine messages by Kasell.

Recently, however, former winners began to notice their answering machine being called at odd hours and the incoming messages monitored.

"I gave him the code to my voice mail so he could record the outgoing message," said Stacy Wilson, who recently won for correctly guessing the ending of three North Korea inspired limericks. "It didn't occur to me that he'd ever want to use it again."

While Kasell himself won't speak with reporters, show host Peter Sagal has offered some insights.

"I think it started as a vanity thing," said Sagal. "He just wanted to hear how people reacted to hearing his voice on the answering machine. But it wasn't long before he got caught up in the real-life drama of these people's lives."

Michael Bay Did Not Ruin Your Childhood

In response to harsh criticism over his new movie Transformers, Michael Bay has issued several statements regarding the film.

Critics have charged that his film did not remain true to much of the cartoon's premise, that it contained a lot of material inappropriate for children, and that the Autobots--and Optimus Prime in particular--were made goofy, rather than noble and heroic like in the original cartoon.

"There's a lot of talk out there on the internet about 'Michael Bay ruined my childhood," said Bay. "All these children of the 80's just need to relax, get off the computer, and go outside once in a while. I mean, what do I look like, Doc Brown with his DeLorean? I don't have a time machine. I can't go back and ruin your childhood. Your childhood is intact, just the way you remember it.

"Clearly, I'm only ruining your kid's childhood."

Paris Mayor Pushes For Politeness, But Not Very Hard

As part of the first "Paris Tourist Day," Mayor Bertrand Delanoe has urged Parisians to be more polite. As part of the campaign, he's urged taxi drivers to smile more and local waiters to use more English.

When met with mild resistance, Delanoe immediately backed down.

"Just do whatever," he said. "I'm going to go eat some cheese."

Rock Concerts Causing All World's Problems

Economist Steven Levitt, author of the book Freakonomics, has discovered a new surprising connection--Rock concerts are actually the cause of all the world's problems.

"Aids, global warming, gun violence, childhood obesity, reality shows--they all have one cause," says Levitt. "The trend is clear. As the number of rock concerts has increased, we've seen a definite increase in all of these world problems."

Concerts designed to raise awareness are particularly to blame. "It seems that concerts designed to raise awareness on certain issues inevitably correspond with sharp increases in the area the concerts try to address."

This year's Live Earth concert will, according to Levitt, result in bringing the global warmth Armageddon a good four or five years earlier than expected.

Levitt also states is there is a slightly smaller, but still significant, relationship between the world problems and "National Fill-in-the-blank Awareness" bills.

"Especially Awareness Weeks," says Levitt. "Awareness Days are bad, but boy, do those Awareness Weeks wreak havoc."

Ethan Haas Was . . . . What, Exactly?

Hey, folks. Nosty the Know-man here to solve the mystery of the latest viral marketing campaign.

Ethan Haas was right. Ethan Haas was wrong. Weird emails from Van Mantra. Is this really all leading to something about the Cloverfield movie? JJ Abrams has already said no . . .

Where can you find the answers?

Don't worry. This blog didn't hire a sixteenth century prophet because they thought he could properly prepare fugu fish.

I prophesied about this in 1562, when I wrote:

Ethan Haas was a bullfrog
He was a good friend of mine.
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine.
He always had some mighty fine wine.

Clearly this was a reference to those stupid videos between the puzzles. I mean, can you understand a single word he says?

So with that in mind, the plot of the campaign becomes obvious.

Two words:

Battletoads Movie.

Last Word In Harry Potter Book Revealed

After much speculation, the last word of the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, has been revealed by author J.K. Rowling.

"It's not 'scar' like a lot of people have been saying," said Rowling.

So what is the last word then?

"Cha-ching!"

Paris Hilton Did Something Today

Paris Hilton did something today, according to major media outlets.

"We believe whatever it was had something to do with either her hair or her dog," said one report. "Or possibly her dog's hair. We're still trying to get an official confirmation."

Developing. . .

Features of Apple's New iPhone

Looking for all the details on Apple's new iPhone? Just what are the amazing details of the phone that can do anything? We've got the full story here in this exclusive iPhone review.

• Cars with Bluetooth-compatible steering allow iPhone to take over driving your car for you when you're on the phone, automatically crashing for you.
• Incoming wrong numbers are forwarded to Apple customer support.
• Connect your iPhone to your car's GPS and the spoken navigation directions will be in the voice of the pop singer or actor of your choice (Additional celebrities are available through a 99-cent download at the iTunes store).
• Not only can you watch movies on the 2 inch by 2 inch screen, but the iPhone will also whip you up a tiny bag of popcorn and a tiny soda.
• For the ladies, the "Calendar" feature will help you remember all those important days your boyfriend is forgetting.
• In an exclusive deal with YouTube, the iPhone will shoot, edit, and upload embarrassing videos of you to the internet if you don't have any friends to do it for you.
• Each iPhone comes packaged with a t-shirt and a pair of jeans so you can look cool like that guy on the Mac and PC commercials.