Lifetime Blew It With America's Psychic Challenge

Okay, I can't really say I'm surprised (we 16th century prophets are never surprised), but I am disappointed.

Lifetime has decided to move some of its Golden Girls re-runs around to make room for a show called America's Psychic Challenge, and put 16 would-be soothsayers to the test.

And, much to the American Viewing Public's chagrin, not one of those seers is, well, me.

And that's a real shame. Because as regular readers of this site know, I have predicted everything from sports scores to book and TV finales to Britney Spears' shaved head with accuracy that makes Professionally Trained and Highly Qualified TV Weather Girls nearly burst their tube tops with jealousy.

As retribution for this oversight, I am forced to use my powers to foresee the ending of Lifetime's hit show, thus spoiling the need for anyone to actually watch it without me in it:

Dorothy marries Blanche's Uncle Lucas and moves to Hollingsworth Manor, leaving Sophia and the other girls alone.

Take that, Lifetime!

New 24 Format Announced

Producers behind the no-longer-a-hit show 24 have finally unveiled their secret "new direction" for the show--they're going to go back to Jack's early years.

No, even earlier than that.

They're taking Jack back to kindergarten.

Following a difficult season which saw their ratings fall off by millions of viewers, producers had assured viewers that the show would see dramatic shake-ups in the next season.

However, none of the rumored changes made any sense.

First, the show had to scrap early plans for the new season for economic reasons, causing fans to worry about whether Fox would pony up the money necessary to get the show back on track.

Then, they announced the show would become more eco-friendly, which fans worried would cut down on the number of high carbon-footprint explosions, which were already becoming sparse.

Next, rumors started that CTU would be dropped from the show, which would be centered in Washington--a rumor that had to be bogus, because last year's Washington plot was easily the biggest reason for the exits.

Then, in an official press release, Fox stated they were bringing back Tony Almeida, a character who was very much dead two seasons ago.

All of this left the fans confused and scared. Was was true? What wasn't? What were the people at Fox doing?

In an effort to quell the fan worry, Fox has released the spine-tingling details of their plans for the new season, which has been retitled: 24: Li'l Jack and the CTU Crew.

All of the old cast members will be back, playing their five-year-old selves using financially fiscal and environment friendly motion capture technology. With all the sets and explosions generated in the computer, the show should be produced cleaner and more cheaply.

Returning cast members include Carlos Bernard, Reiko Aylesworth, and Dennis Haysbert as the precocious Davey Palmer.

All of them live together, Muppet-babies style, in a single home overseen by Jack's father.

"We've been setting up for this for years now," said show creator Joel Surnow. "Introducing Jack's father and his mean brother--you don't think we did all that just to kill them off the same season, did you? I mean, that wouldn't make any sense."

Although details on the plot are still pretty hush-hush, insiders tell us early episodes will feature Jack and the CTU crew trying to get back a stolen Legend of Zelda cartridge containing a saved game that starts just inside Gannon's castle.

"We also wanted to add a stronger female element to the show," said producer and director Jon Cassar. "Give little girls some strong role models of liberated women. So we're bringing back Teri, Nina, Audrey, Kate, and Marilyn, and every episode, they're going to fight over Jack. Boy, is the fur gonna fly!"

Jack Bauer, Chef Ramsey To Team Up

As Fox watches the ratings climb for Hell's Kitchen, they've realized they found a solution for their other Monday night show: 24.

Penning the new season of 24 has proven tough for the writers who've already scrapped plot lines involving Africa and Jack working freelance.

The new solution? Teaming Jack Bauer and Gordon Ramsey for a "hybrid" show, Hell's 24 Hour Kitchen.

The show will combine the reality elements of Hell's Kitchen with the real time elements of 24, with contestants cooking meals for fictional characters who either talk in whispers or shouts.

"And there will be moles," said producer and director John Cassar. "Oh, sweet mercy, will there be moles."

Producer Joel Surnow also expressed optimism for the show's new direction. "We've learned that people care about food just as much as they care about terrorism. We'll have Ramsey cussing them out on this side, Jack shooting them in the thigh on that side, Audrey wandering around aimlessly muttering about the Chinese--that's TV gold right there."

"The hardest part is coming up with new ways to off the eliminated contestants," said Surnow. "Bullets, poison gas, stabbing, strangulation--those are the obvious ones, but where do you go from there? Bow and arrow, maybe?

"I was thinking deadly animals, but we brought in a cougar this one time, and man, we never heard the end of it."

Exciting New Reality Show From mildlyamusing.com!

On the heels of such hit shows as America's Got Talent, and Britain's Got Talent, mildlyamusing.com is pleased to announce its exciting new reality series, Just Do Whatever And We'll Make Fun Of You.

The show will be similar to America's Got Talent, but the expectations on contestants will be even lower than on the NBC series.

"We hope we can be there for people who have wanted to be publicly ridiculed by celebrities, but didn't have a 'talent' per se," said one mildlyamusing.com producer, making the quote marks in the air with his fingers.

"Come on and tie your shoes. Jog in place. It doesn't matter. You still have the right to be taunted by Martin Mull and one of the guys from Bell Biv DeVoe."

And don't be afraid to bring the kids along. "There seems to be a huge desire by parents to have their children publicly ridiculed by celebrities," said the producer. "We want to be there for the little ones."

Ten Second Interview Of The Week: Jack Bauer

Welcome to the latest installment of our regular-as-clockwork feature, "Ten Second Interview Of The Week."

Today's guest is someone very familiar with clocks, Jack Bauer, hero of TV's 24.

Here is the transcript:

US: Mr. Bauer, there's been a lot of controversy regarding the show 24. Recently, after the show featured a nuclear bomb detonated by terrorists near Los Angeles, the show has been criticized for having a pro-Bush agenda. However, last season, when the plot featured an evil President conspiring to cause a war in the middle east for oil, many thought this was an anti-Bush message. What are the show's politics, Mr. Bauer?

BAUER: I think you misunderstood the nature of this interview. I'm the one who has some questions.

US: Hey, wait, what are you doing with that lamp? You can't--

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Fox Announces Midseason Replacements

Citing flagging ratings, Fox has announced the following midseason replacements to bolster its prime time lineup:

Full House M.D. -- A brilliant young widowed father quickly and accurately diagnoses the rare medical conditions of his three daughters even though he first met the girls only ten minutes ago.

The War at Home in Iraq -- A dysfunctional family trades witty barbs for half an hour every week in the name of regime change.

The O.C.D. -- Attractive young people have relationship problems because they spend all day counting things and cleaning their houses.

Welcome Back, Bauer -- A federal agent returns to the same Brooklyn high school from which he graduated in order to prevent a terrorist attack led by John Travolta.

What Twist Will American Idol Steal?

An executive producer for the popular Fox show American Idol has hinted that there will be a "big twist" coming during the next season. We have some ideas for possible twists they might be stealing from other shows.

The Sixth Sense Twist: At the end of the episode, it is revealed that, to everyone's surprise, the judges' own music careers are all dead.

The Star Trek Twist: Although it will look like doom is inevitable, at the very last moment, someone will suggest that if they exedrinate their Robitussin Field, the calcifate will deiodine, and everyone will be okay.

The CSI Twist: DNA testing reveals that Paula Abdul, is not, in the strictest sense, human.

The Newhart Twist: The entire show will be revealed to be a really weird dream Ryan Seacrest, a fairly unknown DJ, is having.

The Lost Twist: A prior episode gets played out almost exactly the same, but from another character's point of view, until we get the shocking revelation that, unbeknownst to everyone, the new viewpoint character saw things a wee little bit differently.

The 24 Twist: All of the winning contestants are killed at the very end of the episode, forcing the judges to start all over from square one.