Mildly Useful Election Guide: Vote Yes on Prop W458

Note: For the convenience of our reader(s), we are providing this two-part point/counter-point look at one of the big issues of the upcoming election.

Vote Yes on Prop W458.

Prop W458 will provide better quality health care for orphans, lower state energy costs, and eliminate that glare in your windshield when you're driving in the morning.

Prop W458 will lower taxes for everyone in the entire state. For most people, they will only have to pay what they find in their sofa cushions--and they don't have to look down in the cracks. You and your friends will be exempt entirely.

It also guarantees a cleaner shower with less scrubbing, a trimmer waistline, and all the flavor of the regular version with only half the calories. If you're not completely satisfied with Prop W458, you can return your vote for a full refund.

This proposition would grant better drinking fountains to the children in our public schools, insuring that the stream of water comes out strong and high, eliminating the dangerous need to put your mouth close to the metal fountain where other children's lips have been. Thanks to Prop W458, every drinking fountain can be "The good drinking fountain."

Prop W458 would even cause all the nuclear material in Asia and the Middle East to revert back to a less dangerous isotope within minutes of passing.

If you don't believe us, take a closer look at who is funding the "No on W458" campaign. Organizations like Nazis Were Neat, Starve The Homeless, the Christian-eating Lion's Union, and three of the guys sharing a cellblock with Saddam Hussein.

Vote yes on Prop W458. It's the only choice, really.