New TSA Guidelines For Writing On Plastic Bags

WASHINGTON -- After the man who wrote "Kip Hawley is an Idiot" on his plastic bag of toiletries was detained at an airport security checkpoint for about 25 minutes before authorities concluded the statement was not a threat, the TSA has issued new guidelines for writing on your plastic bags.

First, all threats should be clearly noted as such. For example, "This is not a threat," should be used when appropriate.

If the note is a threat, the color of marker used should correspond with the level of the threat you're making, in accordance with the color coding system of the Department of Homeland Security, as pictured at right.

Also, in the interest of providing balance, any notes containing a political statement should also include a political statement from an opposing viewpoint. For example, if Al Franken were to write "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat, Idiot" on his bag, he would also need to write, "But His Show Features Good Interviews With The Producers Of 24."

In the interest of fostering readability, all messages must be written in at least 3/4" inch high letters. They must also include Braille translation for the benefit of vision impaired security screeners.

Any questions on these guidelines should be directed to the office of the President of the TSA.