NFL Dismisses Threat

The National Football League is saying that there's no credible evidence supporting a threat of dirty bomb attacks at seven stadiums this weekend. The NFL also says there's no credible threat of the Raiders winning a game this season.

You Are The 300-Millionth American

I predict you are the 300-millionth American. I predict nurses rushed into your mother's hospital room to tell her that you might be the one. I predict that the media then proceeded to do lots of pointless stories about you.

Or. . . wait. Maybe it wasn't you.

Tomorrow

I predict you will have bad luck tomorrow.

I also predict there will be, somewhere, a slasher film marathon.

Mildly Useful Election Guide: Vote Yes on Prop W458

Note: For the convenience of our reader(s), we are providing this two-part point/counter-point look at one of the big issues of the upcoming election.

Vote Yes on Prop W458.

Prop W458 will provide better quality health care for orphans, lower state energy costs, and eliminate that glare in your windshield when you're driving in the morning.

Prop W458 will lower taxes for everyone in the entire state. For most people, they will only have to pay what they find in their sofa cushions--and they don't have to look down in the cracks. You and your friends will be exempt entirely.

It also guarantees a cleaner shower with less scrubbing, a trimmer waistline, and all the flavor of the regular version with only half the calories. If you're not completely satisfied with Prop W458, you can return your vote for a full refund.

This proposition would grant better drinking fountains to the children in our public schools, insuring that the stream of water comes out strong and high, eliminating the dangerous need to put your mouth close to the metal fountain where other children's lips have been. Thanks to Prop W458, every drinking fountain can be "The good drinking fountain."

Prop W458 would even cause all the nuclear material in Asia and the Middle East to revert back to a less dangerous isotope within minutes of passing.

If you don't believe us, take a closer look at who is funding the "No on W458" campaign. Organizations like Nazis Were Neat, Starve The Homeless, the Christian-eating Lion's Union, and three of the guys sharing a cellblock with Saddam Hussein.

Vote yes on Prop W458. It's the only choice, really.

Look, About Lost

Alright, people keep writing to ask me about Lost. Nostradamus, they say (or Nosty, if they're my friends), if anyone can tell us what's going on with this show, it's you. What's up with this show? What's up with these numbers? And the Polar Bears?

They're right, of course. I new all about Jack and the numbers and the hatches for millions of years now. Me and the other prophesizers stood around the water cooler (we called them wells in those days) talking about all the crazy things Locke and Jack and that one hot chick and that one other hot chick would do.

So here, for those of you who are dying to know, are my spoilers for Lost.

• The next few episodes will feature flashbacks.
• The polar bears come from the North Pole.
• Locke was in the wheelchair because he couldn't walk.
• Locke is out of the wheelchair because he was able to walk again.
• Hurley is still fat because he eats more calories than he burns.
• The numbers are a plot device.

Anacondas Give Good Hugs

ANIMAL RESCUE CENTER--Anacondas give good hugs, according to one animal expert.

Diego Marquez, star of the animal documentary program Go, Diego, Go has categorized this particular behavior of the reptiles in his short film "Cool Water for Ana the Anaconda."

The documentary features Diego and his sister Alicia cuddling with the creatures after Diego has helped restore water to an anaconda habitat which has dried up due to global warming.

Global warming is caused by man, who Diego alleges, "Gives so-so hugs."

Online Chat I Done Had

Watch me talk circles around this city slicker in a chat we done had:

Erik: You tried out GPS yet, Hank?
Me: Nah, I figure I'll just use a pitchfork.
Erik: A pitchfork?
Me: Sure. Near as I figure, it's as good as any electronic Gopher Perforation System.
Erik: No, Hank, a GPS. You know--for tracking.
Me: Oh, you mean Goat Poop Sawdust. I got that. Keeps people from tracking goat poop all over the place.
Erik: Look, I'm talking about GPS. For your car.
Me: Oh yeah, I got that. I got it for the pickup.
Erik: But that truck's on blocks in your yard!
Me: Yeah, and it drips oil like a greaser on a treadmill. Why else would I need a Groundwater Protection System?
Erik: You're on the cutting edge, Hank.
Me: Durn tootin'.

Officials Say Drug Use Likely In Anna Nicole Tragedy

NASSAU, BAHAMAS - Officials now confirm there were very likely drugs involved in the recent tragedy of Anna Nicole Smith's wedding to her lawyer, Howard K. Stern.

The marriage followed recent spate of talk show appearances by Stern where he tried to persuade anyone to care that he was the father of her child.

Yet another lawyer for the pair has said the couple merely "exchanged vows" and that the ceremony was not "legally binding."

"This isn't about a piece of paper," said Stern. "Besides, who cares about a license as long as you have a really good pre-nup?"