Headlines from around the world

NASA Takes First Picture of Planet Outside Our Solar System
Other Planets Worried About Privacy in Coming "NASA-razzi" Onslaught

Woman Jailed For Using Kids to Raise Money In Charity Scam
Plans to post bail after she makes phone calls, "Just as soon as school lets out."

More Federal Bailouts On the Way
Government to Hold American Idol-style reality TV show to audition businesses

"Real Killer" Found In Vegas Seeking OJ's DNA

The infamous "Real Killer" was spotted recently in Las Vegas, attempting to obtain samples of OJ Simpson's DNA on sports memorabilia that used to belong to OJ Simpson.

For years, OJ Simpson has been tenaciously following clues that led him through golf courses and Caribbean resorts, as he kept his pledge to never rest until the "Real Killer" was brought to justice.

However, this weekend the "Real Killer" got ahead of OJ, and attempted to pilfer the Juice's former property.

"The 'Real Killer' and his team of vile, rapscallion henchmen are obviously attempting to obtain DNA to use to frame me in another murder, which will likely be committed just as soon as these guys let me out of prison," said Simpson.

Sgt. John Loretto has said his team is preparing for the possibility that Simpson might try to flee. "We're accounting for every possibility," said Loretto. "We've stationed half our team at the Avis counter at the airport.

"In the eventuality of a freeway chase, the other half have been equipped with moderately fast jogging shoes."

Meanwhile, police are looking into who else might possibly be involved.

"We do have suspects," said Loretto. "And at the top of the list are humor sites desperate to recycle jokes they haven't used since the late 90's."

Mildlyamusing.com could not be reached for comment.

Headlines Of The Day

Here are some of today's headlines from around the globe:

Bonds hits 755th homer to tie Aaron
But already "whooped Aaron's keister" for most appearances before a Senate committee

Ford Recalls 3.6 Million Vehicles
"Yeah, we remember those," says spokesman

NBC Dateline Reporter Exposed, Ousted From Hacker Con
Outsider betrayed by her pleasant odor, and obviously having a life

Creator of Doom Announces Follow-up to be Called Rage
Next games to be titled Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance

Dairies Dump Milk After Finding Radiation in Nearby Drinking Water
Say catching up on production "Won't be a problem," thanks to new growth of extra teats

Congratulations To A Real Winner

In honor of the Golden Globes, I took it upon myself to go out and find someone who had accomplished something readers of this blog might actually care about.

I found this man.

U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration supervisor George Hood broke the Guinness World Record for spin cycling, clocking in at 85-hours--over 1,000 miles.

Previously, Hood had broken the world's record for jump roping, at 13 hours.

Much like the Golden Globes, both of these records represented expending a whole lot of energy, without actually getting anybody anywhere.

For future records, we suggest:

• Sitting On Hold With Dell Customer Service


• Waiting Between New Episodes of Lost


• Trying To Find a Decent Movie At A Video Store He Hasn't Already Seen


• Most Hours Spent Asking Back And Forth, "I Don't Know, What Do You Feel Like Eating?" (Requires Partner)


• Trying To Find Something Shelved Properly In WalMart*


• Most Consecutive Repeated Performances of the "Electric Slide"

*By "Shelved Properly," we mean, "Is on a shelf." We don't mean shelved in the right place.

Not even this guy has that much endurance.