Subway / Quiznos Peace Talks Come To Ugly End

In the first major test of the newly formed United Food Nations, attempts to negotiate a cessation to hostilities between rival sub chains Quiznos and Subway ended in chaos this weekend.

When handed the pen to sign the treaty, Jared, the Subway spokesman noted for his dramatic weight loss, tried to use the pen to gouge the taste buds off of the tongue of "Jerry," the new Quiznos spokesman. Jerry emptied half a squeeze bottle of chipotle mayo into Jared's eyes to subdue him, but Jared began blindly swinging a two gallon jar of mustard, injuring two UFN officials. Jerry was attempting to strangle Jared with his necktie while Jared bashed him repeatedly in the head with the mustard jar when they were both brought down by officials.

Hoping they could prevent the franchise war from escalating into exactly that type of violence, the UFN had turned to former President Jimmy Carter.

"I was able to help make the Camp David Accords happen, and I was able to get the Panama Canal Treaties signed, but these sandwich guys are impossible," said Carter. "I don't know. . . maybe we should just lock Jared and Jerry in a room with an oven and a couple of sharp knives and see who makes a toasted sandwich out of whom.

"Either that, or I could build the two of them a house and we could have them live together for a while until they learn to love each other. We could make a TV series out of it and call it 'Sandwiched Together' or something. Heck, I'm out of ideas. And I'm hungry. I'm gonna go get a burger."

The scene did not end as happily as the famous Cola Accords of the 1980s. The terms of that treaty included Coke getting to have every beverage in the midwest called a "coke," and Pepsi getting to set fire to the celebrity of their choice.