Entire Country Robbed, Trampled For New Toy
Everyone in America was robbed and subsequently trampled Saturday during the release of the new Tickle Me Power Ranger CabbageStation Elmo Patch Kids 3. The hot new item, a collaborative effort between Mattel, Hasbro and Sony, combines elements from several toys of the past three decades that each sparked manic shopping frenzies in their respective debut holiday shopping seasons.
"Literally all of America loves our new product," said a beaming Bob Rogers, spokesman for Mabroney, the new joint venture company responsible for the latest fad. "Everyone has to have it--or else."
The trouble started when every person in America lined up late Friday night outside the nearest Toys 'R' Us store. Everyone was robbed in sequential order for the massive amounts of cash they were carrying. Many were also robbed of their 401(k) plans and the deeds to their houses. Then, when the stores opened at 12:01 A.M., every man, woman and child in America was trampled in the rush to purchase one of the new TMPRCSEPK3 units.
"It's no mystery why this toy is so overwhelmingly popular," said Rogers. "We've taken every mania-inducing element of every overhyped toy of every Christmas shopping season of the past 23 years and put them all in one package. People, quite literally, are dying to have it."
Several trial lawyers are already inviting all Americans to join class action lawsuits against everyone in America.
The TMPRCSEPK3 is in extremely short supply, with only eight units initially available in the United States. Many people hoping to buy one of the toys were actually planning to resell it for a large profit. The item, which has a retail price of $999, is expected to fetch upwards of one million dollars at online auction sites such as eBay.
"If we can just get one Tickle Me Power Ranger CabbageStation Elmo Patch Kids 3, we'll be able to pay for everything else--forever," said one woman waiting in line outside a Toys 'R' Us store in Denver. The woman wished to remain nameless so she wouldn't be mugged again.
Some critics have accused Mabroney of artificially limiting supply to create hysteria over the new toy, a charge Rogers adamantly denies. "We are producing the TMPRCSEPK3 as fast as we possibly can. But the marketing technology we pack into this product is brand-new and we don't yet have enough assembly lines that are sufficiently equipped to manufacture it. We simply cannot keep up with the overwhelming demand. Besides, if we wanted to intentionally limit supply to make the product's value go up, Mabroney would just put the toys directly on eBay instead of distributing them to the stores to be sold at the retail price and letting the individual buyers receive all of the markup at auction... hey, wait a minute. Shoot."
"Literally all of America loves our new product," said a beaming Bob Rogers, spokesman for Mabroney, the new joint venture company responsible for the latest fad. "Everyone has to have it--or else."
The trouble started when every person in America lined up late Friday night outside the nearest Toys 'R' Us store. Everyone was robbed in sequential order for the massive amounts of cash they were carrying. Many were also robbed of their 401(k) plans and the deeds to their houses. Then, when the stores opened at 12:01 A.M., every man, woman and child in America was trampled in the rush to purchase one of the new TMPRCSEPK3 units.
"It's no mystery why this toy is so overwhelmingly popular," said Rogers. "We've taken every mania-inducing element of every overhyped toy of every Christmas shopping season of the past 23 years and put them all in one package. People, quite literally, are dying to have it."
Several trial lawyers are already inviting all Americans to join class action lawsuits against everyone in America.
The TMPRCSEPK3 is in extremely short supply, with only eight units initially available in the United States. Many people hoping to buy one of the toys were actually planning to resell it for a large profit. The item, which has a retail price of $999, is expected to fetch upwards of one million dollars at online auction sites such as eBay.
"If we can just get one Tickle Me Power Ranger CabbageStation Elmo Patch Kids 3, we'll be able to pay for everything else--forever," said one woman waiting in line outside a Toys 'R' Us store in Denver. The woman wished to remain nameless so she wouldn't be mugged again.
Some critics have accused Mabroney of artificially limiting supply to create hysteria over the new toy, a charge Rogers adamantly denies. "We are producing the TMPRCSEPK3 as fast as we possibly can. But the marketing technology we pack into this product is brand-new and we don't yet have enough assembly lines that are sufficiently equipped to manufacture it. We simply cannot keep up with the overwhelming demand. Besides, if we wanted to intentionally limit supply to make the product's value go up, Mabroney would just put the toys directly on eBay instead of distributing them to the stores to be sold at the retail price and letting the individual buyers receive all of the markup at auction... hey, wait a minute. Shoot."
posted by Jarrod at 4:32 PM
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