Another Drought-Resistant Joke

A man walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What'll it be?"  The man says, "I'd like a glass of water."  The bartender says, "Yeah?  Join the club!"

Drought-Resistant Humor

Since the state of California is in the middle of a severe water shortage, we'd like to do our part by offering up this first installment of brand-new drought-resistant humor.  (For the uninitiated, drought-resistant humor uses a minimum of 40 percent less water than standard humor.)

DROUGHT-RESISTANT HUMOR:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: It is not entirely clear, but we do know that the chicken did not find any water on the other side of the road.

(Note: Due to the drought, punchlines to jokes will only be served upon request.)

The 2014 Joke

Q: Why did Kim Jong-un cross the road?

A: Whatever will help this website gross $15 million.

Hotmail Down For Hours While Obama, Biden Personally Read Everybody's Email

In an unannounced outage this morning, Hotmail has temporarily shut down its email service to give the White House time to "catch up" in its monitoring of private emails.

President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden have been personally handling the "monitoring" as they pour through the millions of emails that the service sends every day.

"They started a couple of days ago," said a White House Spokesman, "But people kept sending emails.  We thought a massive shut down would give them time to catch up."

When asked whether this would affect his company adversely, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer just laughed.  "Are you kidding?  We shut down the Hotmail brand months ago and changed everything over to Outlook, and consumers didn't even notice.  Do you really think any of them are going to connect this to Mircosoft?"

Answering a question about how long it would take to restore service, the spokesman shrugged.  "It's been what, five hours already?  And Biden can't read without moving his lips.  You do the math."

Biden, who seemed to have overheard him, bristled at the comment.  "Look, this isn't as easy as phone calls.  I can just pop in my headphones on the way to work."

Obama "Devastated" To Not Be Elected Pope

President Obama was shocked to discover he was not selected to be the next leader of the Catholic Church, and talked about it at a press conference this morning.

"This is a clear failure of the democratic process," said the Commander-in-chief.  "This simply doesn't happen."

He also expressed displeasure with the US Supreme Court for what he said his lawyers called, "An inability to do anything about it."

"This kind of judicial partisanship should not be tolerated," he said.

"I win elections," said Obama. "It's what I do."

When asked about qualifications like experience or being Catholic, Obama replied, "Needing qualifications never held me back before. Qualifications are for the kinds of jobs and prizes you apply for. I win votes, not resume contests."

A heartbroken Joe Biden tried to console him that it was likely that he was simply "overqualified" for a job that merely required infallibility.

Facebook to Introduce "Keystroke and Scrolling" Updates

Following the rampant popularity of their new interactive features that allow random activities performed around the internet to show up  in your Facebook feed, the social media giant has announced new features that will help users share their keystrokes, mouse clicks, and scrolling updates with their friends.

"Dan Thomas quickly scrolled through a New Yorker article skimming for the celebrity ranting," read one update.

"Melissa Dowager clicked through an article on celebrities without their makeup.  She lingered a particularly long time on a photo of Justin Beiber," read another.

"We feel this helps give our users more genuine insight into their friends, and allows those users who struggle to come up with things to type themselves lots of ways to still keep their friends all caught up on what's going on thier lives," said Wilbur Carmichael, a Facebook spokesman whose status updated fourteen times as he consulted his notes.  "We can't wait to get the technology to link their profiles to their debit cards so their receipts can show up in their feeds in real time."

However, some concerns have been raised over such updates as, "Barack has typed the letters 'Ineed2smokemore' into the field 'Pentagon Security Password'" that recently appeared on the White House Facebook page.

But Carmichael brushed aside the concerns.  "It's the kind of transparency the American people appreciate.  And it's exactly why Facebook was invented."

M. A. Libs Current Event Joke!

We want to do a new post, but we have no idea what's going on in the news.  But we're not one to let ignorance stop us from doing things that require knowledge!  So with your help, we can make this happen.  Please bring your "A" game.  This blog needs more good posts.

This (period of time) in (type of news) news, (person) made headlines by (thing person did during designated period of time).  Representatives for (same person) report that he will soon be (thing that would be a humorous exaggeration of the thing from the first sentence).