Obama "Devastated" To Not Be Elected Pope

President Obama was shocked to discover he was not selected to be the next leader of the Catholic Church, and talked about it at a press conference this morning.

"This is a clear failure of the democratic process," said the Commander-in-chief.  "This simply doesn't happen."

He also expressed displeasure with the US Supreme Court for what he said his lawyers called, "An inability to do anything about it."

"This kind of judicial partisanship should not be tolerated," he said.

"I win elections," said Obama. "It's what I do."

When asked about qualifications like experience or being Catholic, Obama replied, "Needing qualifications never held me back before. Qualifications are for the kinds of jobs and prizes you apply for. I win votes, not resume contests."

A heartbroken Joe Biden tried to console him that it was likely that he was simply "overqualified" for a job that merely required infallibility.

Facebook to Introduce "Keystroke and Scrolling" Updates

Following the rampant popularity of their new interactive features that allow random activities performed around the internet to show up  in your Facebook feed, the social media giant has announced new features that will help users share their keystrokes, mouse clicks, and scrolling updates with their friends.

"Dan Thomas quickly scrolled through a New Yorker article skimming for the celebrity ranting," read one update.

"Melissa Dowager clicked through an article on celebrities without their makeup.  She lingered a particularly long time on a photo of Justin Beiber," read another.

"We feel this helps give our users more genuine insight into their friends, and allows those users who struggle to come up with things to type themselves lots of ways to still keep their friends all caught up on what's going on thier lives," said Wilbur Carmichael, a Facebook spokesman whose status updated fourteen times as he consulted his notes.  "We can't wait to get the technology to link their profiles to their debit cards so their receipts can show up in their feeds in real time."

However, some concerns have been raised over such updates as, "Barack has typed the letters 'Ineed2smokemore' into the field 'Pentagon Security Password'" that recently appeared on the White House Facebook page.

But Carmichael brushed aside the concerns.  "It's the kind of transparency the American people appreciate.  And it's exactly why Facebook was invented."

M. A. Libs Current Event Joke!

We want to do a new post, but we have no idea what's going on in the news.  But we're not one to let ignorance stop us from doing things that require knowledge!  So with your help, we can make this happen.  Please bring your "A" game.  This blog needs more good posts.

This (period of time) in (type of news) news, (person) made headlines by (thing person did during designated period of time).  Representatives for (same person) report that he will soon be (thing that would be a humorous exaggeration of the thing from the first sentence).