Gatorade Inventor Dies at 80

Robert Cade, who not only invented Gatorade, but launched the whole multi billion-dollar sports drink industry, died Tuesday of kidney failure at 80 years old.

No word yet as to whether he will be interred in a giant orange cooler.

Democrats Block Presidential Turkey Pardon

In their continuing effort to keep the President from fulfilling his wayward agenda, congressional Democrats have moved to block this year's Presidential Turkey Pardon.

This year's turkeys, May and Flower, will now be subject to extended congressional hearings to determine their suitability for pardon.

"We need to determine the turkeys' stands on the issues," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "It is necessary to insure these turkeys will not simply be shills for the administration. We need to make sure the turkeys are reflective of the voice of the American people."

Senator Harry Reid agreed. "This is another shameful attempt by the Bush administration to forward their anti-children agenda. Now, he's even taking food out of their mouths."

The hearings are expected to last through January.

An Explanation of the Writer's Strike

See, it works like this.

Some people are celebrities. Celebrities are beautiful people who the public inherently loves based solely on how they look.



However, these people have the brains of cheese whiz. They need someone else to figure out how to use their insane good looks to make any money. These people are called producers, and they have no soul.

In order to make the public keep liking the celebrities, the producers need to find likable things for the celebrities to say. Since the producers have no souls, they have no idea how to do this themselves. They pay people to come up with likable things for the celebrities to say.

These people are called writers.

Writers are able to come up with likable things to say, but, having souls, are not able to make money off of this any more than the attractive people are able to make money off their looks. They are sustained by the soulless producers.

What this strike is about is that it's gotten impossible to come up with things to say to make the current batch of celebrities seem likable.

The writers are holding out for a new batch.

Hope this helps.