Harry Potter Spoilers

Alright, alright. I heard you.

Everybody keeps saying to me "Nostradamus, how does Harry Potter end?" It's just one email after another asking how the last book ends. "Does Harry die?" "Does Voldemort Die?" "Is Snape good or evil?" "Nostradamus, tell me the spoilers! Tell me how it ends!"

Fine. Here you go. Spoilers ahead, so if you're a spoiler scaredy-cat, skip this post!

• Yes, Harry dies. On page four. He spends the rest of the book trying to find the horcruxes as both a painting and a ghost. That's why it's called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Because to be in the Hallows, you have to be . . um . . . deathly.


• Is Snape good or bad? Well, sort of both. Snape is actually a pair of identical twin sisters. One's good and one's bad. (See? Now doesn't it all make sense?)


• Is Dumbledore still alive? Check out this actual scene from the book:

Suddenly, a streak of fire shot down from the sky, as thick as an elephant's trunk, and struck the ground just inches in front of Harry's frame. Ron was so scared he almost dropped Harry into the fire.

When the flames dissipated, there, standing before Harry and Ron was a man. He was young and spry, and his beard was brown instead of grey, but the twinkle in his eyes was unmistakable.

It was Dumbledore.

"Hello, Harry," he said.

"Dumbledore?" said Harry. "You're alive?"

"Of course I'm alive. Haven't you been paying attention? The phoenix in my office? Death and rebirth?"

Harry shrugged and shook his head.

"My goodness, one whole book was called Order of the Phoenix. You didn't catch on to any of that?"

Harry and Ron stared at him blankly.

"Never mind then, never mind. We must--Harry, why are you a painting? You didn't get yourself killed already, did you?"

"Um-"

Dumbledore sighed. "Why couldn't the prophecy have referred to Hermione?"

• Speaking of which, you're probably wondering if Ron and Hermione get together at the end. They don't. I mean, how could she, when Ron is really a death-eater spy animagnus son of Peter Pettigrew who's been using Polyjuice Potion to make himself look like Ron since two books ago? That would be silly.


• Who is RAB? Well it is most certainly not Regulus Black. The signature had partially faded--the R was part of a B and there was a missing E at the end. That's right!--RAB is really Babe, the talking pig. And the showdown at Hoggett's farm is amazing.


• And, of course, the finale is a quidditch match between the Death Eaters and Dumbledore's Army. (What? You didn't think all that quidditch stuff in the first couple of books was going to turn out to be pointless, did you?) The last horcrux is, of course, the Golden Snitch. ("You can do it, Painting Harry!")

So there you have it! All the little details of the final Harry Potter book, all in one place.

Now leave me alone so I can go back to reading JK Rowling's next series, Little Wally Wilson And The Cacodaemon of Terror.